do you ever just “what the fuck is the point” so hard that you stop everything you’re doing and stare and pretty much wonder why you don’t vanish from existence because the level of done you are should pretty much deconstruct your biological makeup
I am inside someone
who hates me.
My grandmother says there are birds that catch fish in their mouths, that fly miles and miles across acres of sea to drop the food in the waiting mouth of a whale just to watch it swallow. That hunger can be something so large it’s consuming.
In the tidal pools beneath my skin there is always something swimming, minnows flitting in the currents of my veins as a reminder not to open them. Geography is brutal. My skin is a map I’ve tried too hard to tear apart and reassemble, have tried to move whole continents from one side to another in the span of mere minutes.
Love opens me like a wound and drains until everything is gone. I am starving for something more than whole, more broken than something already falling apart, like the moon reflects off the water until the point when the water no longer accepts it.
I’ll always be waiting with my mouth open just like those whales, hoping for someone to come and fill it.
(◡‿◡✿) He died for their world once, without complaint, even after he got his soul back and went insane. “A lot of people got it worse.”
(◡‿◡✿) He was so broken after Dean exploded to Purgatory that he could only drive and find some semblance of a life and try not to break it like he did everything else: the world, his family, and, most importantly, Dean’s trust.
(◡‿◡✿) After Dean came back, Sam, by now, had internalized all of his guilt and self-hatred to the point where he would do anything to be enough, to earn that trust back, to not disappoint him again.
(◡‿◡✿) Sam was glad to do the trials even though he knew it would most likely end in his demise. That light he saw at the end of the tunnel wasn’t for the both of them: it was only for Dean.
(◡‿◡✿) He openly admitted to his mistakes time and time again because he knows he fucked up.
(◡‿◡✿) His confession in the season 8 finale wasn’t to give Dean an ultimatum. It wasn’t to be selfish: it was to explain why he had to do it, why he had to do this one thing without stopping.
(◡‿◡✿) He wanted to do right by Dean for once. He wanted to not be a burden on his brother. He didn’t mind that he turned to others for talk/comfort. What he did mind was how he would never be on that level again because Dean brought up Sam’s mistakes time and time again and treated him as more of a liability.
(◡‿◡✿) He wanted to feel like Dean’s brother again and not this horrible thing that constantly fucked things up.
(◡‿◡✿) Sam wanted his brother back, not meaning that Dean could only ever hang or talk with/to him.
(◡‿◡✿) He wanted to be forgiven. He wanted to redeem himself in whatever way he could but Sam thought it could never happen.
(◕‿◕✿) Could you imagine someone you loved treating you like you still need to pay up for something you apologized for a thousand times over? Watching them smile for someone else? Never trusting you again?
(◕‿◕✿) Sam’s internal monologue: I get it. I do. And it’s…it’s fine, you know? I’m fine. I’ll make it up to you somehow, I promise. I won’t fail again, Dean, I swear.
(◕‿◕✿) He resigned himself to death. “So?”
(◕‿◕✿) He is an incredibly selfless, humble person. “I’m the least of any of you.”
(◕‿◕✿) Sam Winchester is wonderful human being.
(ʘ‿ʘ✿) Talkin’ shit about Sam Winchester doesn’t fly with this chick. (ʘ‿ʘ✿)
(╯◕‿◕)╯☆. :*ﾟ.+: Motherfucker ☆. :*ﾟ.+: “ヽ(´▽｀)ノ”